The Death-Eaters
by NRG99
Summary: Follow the adventures of Morton and Tod, the two laziest Death-Eaters ever! I'm not even kidding you. They're fucking lazy. But when Voldemort needs them to help him, due to a casting of the spell Plotus Lina Faciliato, the rusty duo must find Harry Potter and kill him, or die trying, which'll probably happen a lot.


The Death-Eaters!

Chapter 1: A message from Voldemort

Two Death-eaters were sitting on a couch watching Roadrunner, when their doorbell rang.

"Da Fuck is it this time?" The blond death-eater asked his friend.

"I dunno know!" The black-haired death-eater replied eating a chip slowly.

The ginger death-eater grabbed the bag of chips out of his friend's hands. He grabbed a handful of chips and stuffed them in his mouth. "Go gettit, Mort."

Mort took back the bag of chips. The doorbell rang again and he told his friend. "Tod, dude, I already told you. You gotta get da door this time." Tod opened his mouth in protest, showing half-chewed chips. "Chew and Swallow, dude. Then get the door I got it yesterday night."

"I was asleep yesterday night!" Protested Tod, after swallowing his chips.

Mort looked at Tod and said. "Yes, that's why I had to get it."

Tod looked at Mort with contempt, who returned to his show. He started choking on a chip and as the doorbell rang Tod slammed Mort on the back with his fist which sent Mort flying to the ground and the evil chip flying through the air.

Tod got up muttering; "Probably didn't even get the door yesterday. Lying douche." When he entered the hallway the doorbell rang again. "Stupid little bastard at the fucking door ringing impatiently. Like I have time to get the door. Well, I kinda do, but…" He threw opened the door and started. "Da fuq you want…"

Tod recognized the figure of a fellow death-eater. Maul-o was a small death-eater and usually didn't participate in battles. He usually was Voldemort's personnel messenger and massager. His medium sized –- but XXL on Maul-o – cloak billowed in the wind. He handed Tod a DVD and said. "I was never here."

Tod opened his mouth but Maul-o shushed him. Maul-o turned on the spot to apparate when he noticed that his foot was on his cloak. Maul-o made a funny movement but apparated with a sickening 'KKKKRRRRIIIIPPPP!'

Tod swiftly shut the door, quickly placing the DVD on the counter in the hallway and ran to the bathroom.

Mort was in the kitchen opening a bag of Cheetos when he heard Tod puking. "Hey! You're cleaning up the bathroom tonight!" Mort yelled filling a bowl with the Cheetos. Then he put some butter, cacao beans, milk and some chili peppers in the bowl. He put them in the mixer and started cutting some unwashed strawberries.

Tod opened the door of the bathroom and walked out. "Okay. And you can clean the porch." He grabbed the DVD and put it in the DVD player. He took the towel he was using to dry his hands and wiped the evil chip off the TV screen. Not wanting to puke again he quickly threw the towel, chip side up where Morton usually sat.

Morton came in with a big bowl of his Munchlax Surprise (Or if you use Tod's name for it: Puke Puke-rise) topped with whipped cream, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, orange slices and pickles.

He sat down on his usual seat and said. "Mmm… fine."

"Hope you like blood." Tod muttered out of the side of his mouth.

Morton moved around his behind a bit to get comfy on his seat. He put one leg on top of the other like a girl, stuffed a spoonful of Puke Puke-rise in his mouth and asked Tod with a spoon sticking out of his mouth. "Are there any subtitles?"

"No!" Tod said irritated, pressing the play button.

Morton took the spoon out of his mouth, checked his watch and said as the movie started. "This better be quick, 'cuz Tom and Jerry's on in 5 minutes."

"Shut up!" Tod yelled as Voldemort appeared – in the shadows – on the screen.

He was rubbing a cat on his lap. He cleared his throat and said. "My Slaves… I mean Death –Eaters! We have one problem and you might know what it is if you've read the books."

A black figure leaned into the screen and added. "Or the movies!"

Voldemort bitch-slapped the figure and ordered. "Shut up Snape and get me a pina colada!"

Voldemort resumed his speech as the figure ran off. "It's…" He paused with his hands out. He turned his chair. "Damn it, Pius! Drumroll!"

He turned back to the screen but turned too hard and rolled in a big circle and stopped in front of the screen. He flicked his head like he would be getting hair out of his eyes, even though he's bald.

Voldemort started again. "It's… *drumroll* Harry Potter!" He quickly gave Pius a thumbs-up and continued. "We could kill him damn sure easily if it wasn't for NRG99!" *dundunduuhn!* Voldemort glared at Pius who flinched.

Voldemort continued. "NRG99 has placed a _Plotus Lina Faciliato _spell on this story, so that even if we kill Harry Potter in one chapter he'll come back in the next; however I figured out how to beat this spell. We need to kill Harry Potter at the beginning of each chapter and then continue our evil plans at the end. That way with each chapter we'll make slow, but steady and sound, progress each chapter! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!" Voldemort started coughing and Snape gave him his Pina Colada.

Voldemort drank it and looked intently at the screen. "Oh. And I'll need _**all **_the death-eaters to help me! Including you; Morton and Tod! Or I'll delete your subscription to Cartoon Network." Tod and Morton gasped and Voldemort added. "Ya pigheads!" *ba dum tss* Voldemort roared, flicked out his wand and in a flash of green Pius fell to the floor dead.

Snape looked at Voldemort who replied. "WHAT! He'll come back next chapter!" HE returned to petting his kitty and was about to say something when he screamed. "Yeouch! That goddamn cat bit me!"

He picked up the cat and examined it. "Wait a minute this isn't a cat! It's a rat on steroids!" Voldemort threw the rat on the ground and grabbed his gun. He shot the rat seven times and then stopped. Voldemort put his hand to his mouth and the looked at the screen. "Well, that was Peter Pettigrew… on steroids. You'll be glad that this place is darkened."

"Would you like me to turn on the lights, sir?" Snape asked turning on the lights.

Voldemort jumped back in his seat, shielded his eyes and screamed. "The Light! The Light!" With a flash of green snipe fell to the floor, dead. Voldemort got up shielding his eyes groping for the light switch. He must have found it as the room fell dark again. Voldemort tried to sit down on his swivel chair but missed and fell on he's ass. Obviously embarrassed he got up and patted his cloak pockets.

"Damn." Voldemort said searching through the papers on his table. "Where'd I put the camera remote?" One of the papers floated through the air and landed in front of the camera screen. It was a picture of Voldemort and Justin Bieber holding hands with hearts drawn all over!

Voldemort noticing what the picture was quickly screamed. "No!" And clumsily hit the power button on the camera screen his white arm blocking the last frame, a pink One Direction tattoo just visible on his arm.

Tod and Mort just sat there for a couple of seconds looking at the screen, then at each other. Then Mort got up. "Well that happened. Time for Tom and JerrYOW!"

Tod was pulling Mort away from the TV by his ear saying. "NOPE! We have a mission for Lord Voldemort!"

As the door slammed you could hear Tod saying in protest. "Oh, knock it off Dolohov and Rowle!"

The End!


End file.
